We Love Our Cats, Despite Being Their Slaves.

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Animals, Comedy, Humour, Pets, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My fellow felines, President Obama has taken a ... 'SacCatical', I'm now in charge

“Sit.”  “Staaaayyyyy.”  “Heel!”  Authoritatively utter these commands to a Labrador and they’ll no doubt follow them to the letter.  Command a cat to do the same?  You’ll be greeted with a cursory glance radiating absolute disdain, or if you’re lucky, total apathy; a look of such indifference, you’ll more than likely feel inferior to your reluctant subject and hang your head in shame.  There’s a saying: ‘Dogs have masters, cats have staff’, and it couldn’t be more true.

Let’s say you’re a dog owner and you’ve just arrived home from work.  You’ll almost certainly spot a wide-eyed pup looking at you from the window, tail wagging, filled with excitement and glee: ‘Woof woof! Waggle waggle. Oooo, the prospect of my master taking me out for walkies and, if I’m lucky, tickling my tummy.’

But with cats?  Oh, it’s a different kettle of fish.

You come home from work and the cat will have its back to you, sitting on your chair, fully aware of your presence, but acknowledging you only by slightly twitching its ears in your direction.  Why? Because it can.  And you haven’t been lavishing attention on it for a whole eight hours.  How dare you?

My parents have worked hard for over, I don’t know, 127 years or something.  The other week, my dad had arrived home from work, gone upstairs to get changed, then returned to the living room.  He made his way to the couch for a hard-earned sit down and there was one of our cats, Jenny, sleeping peacefully, taking up half the couch (I was taking up up the other half).  He proceeded to perch in the tiny space available, making sure not to disturb her tail in the process.  I laughed at this, but in the knowledge that I’d do exactly the same thing.  Cats have us round their little claws.  And we are their slaves.  We buy their food, pay their rent, give them huge, consistent doses of unconditional love and attention and we’re rewarded with the occasional mouse’s corpse, or twitching Chaffinch.

Everyone knew who the real 'Number One' was

Okay, that’s not entirely true.  Cats are very affectionate, loving animals.  A cat’s affection is almost medicinal in its effects.  It’s believed cats can sense moods, fully aware if you’re upset or unwell.  They’re very sensitive creatures and like to look after their staff.  A cat will rub its head on you to mark its scent, secreted from an odourless sweat gland under its ear, essentially marking you as their property, along with everything else they see of course.  This I think is also a sign of affection.  Cats show affection in all sorts of ways: Jenny actually puts her paws around you.  Rosie, our other cat, and Jenny’s sister, may give you a soft head-butt (in return for food).  If you’re lucky though.

They exhibit some interesting behavioural traits too.  Don’t forget, our fluffy, cuddly, purry, drooly, meowy bundles of joy are also perfectly tuned killing machines.  The Terminator has nothing on these guys.  Do you see a cat using a phone book to track down the address of its intended target?  Nope.  Watch a cat stalk a bird and it’s a work of art, not a shooty, noisy car chase.  A cat spots a nearby avian tootling around in your – sorry, their – garden, happily oblivious to puss’s presence, it clicks into ‘killing time’.  At this stage, the cat is in total, absolute concentration on its intended feathery victim.  Dangling a live cod in front of it won’t even shift its gaze.  Every move is calculated, slow and silent.  Its body lowers to the ground, moving in exacting stages.  It gets closer, the tail begins to twitch, then POUNCE!  It’s 50/50 the bird flies away to freedom.  Sometimes a cat may see a bird it can’t reach, perched at the top of a high tree, or on the other side of a closed patio door perhaps.  A cat in this situation tends to then exhibit this oddity:

Experts are undecided on this ‘chattering’.  Some think it’s borne out of frustration at the cat being unable to reach its intended meal, while others believe it’s an action used to practice the cat’s ‘killer bite’.  I think it just looks and sounds funny, making the cat resemble a small, furry Hannibal Lecter:

A Sparrow once tried to taunt me.  I ate him whole with some Whiskas and a nice saucer of fresh milk … thitthitthitthitthit.

– Miss Puss Puss.

To sum up, cats don’t have a long-sighted game plan to enslave humanity, they already do you see: a stealth heavy master plan that pretty much gained victory upon their domestication.  And only few of us puny, subservient humans are aware of this. And even we don’t care.  Why? Because we love our cats.  And it’s fair to say they love us too.  Well, when it suits them.  Because they are cats after all.

  1. rumpydog says:

    Oh boy, have you got THAT right!

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